my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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