I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
