Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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