If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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