I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm getting married
To pizza
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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