Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i think my cat just said my name.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
