false alarm. still invincible.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
