This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
