I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
