Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
