So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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