You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize