You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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