Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
