"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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