My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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