we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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