i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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