WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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