So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
