there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
