I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
