mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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