Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
