I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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