I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
