My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
