Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The best revenge is premature balding
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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