The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
