I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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