Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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