I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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