All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
