why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
