saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
