Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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