Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
