the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
