I think I just saw someone hide a body.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
