I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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