He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
