I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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