I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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