where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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