1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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