who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
