new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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