He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
