I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
