Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
