Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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