Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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