she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You can't just leave with hair like that
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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