I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
