just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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