Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
