Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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