I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
