...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
