I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize