I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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